That first drag

There is something about the drag from a factory made cigarette. It is like sucking life from something which gives you death. But that first drag with the morning espresso gives you a shot of life albeit a contaminated one. Still it is only that first one which gives you that sensation, the rest may have their own value when matched to the moment, some insight, a view, pleasure or even an apathetic moment need to be accompanied with a drag... sort of it always accenuates feelings be they of awe or pain...still on those rare occasions when i surpass the 10 cigs limit, they start to taste just as they really are: toxic and unpleasant especially with too much booze. Probably at that stage you start smelling like an ash tray. And worse after years of smoking you could end up smelling like one of those old bars which have absorbed decades of tobacco smoke. Still they form part of the chain which makes that singular sensation of each morning's drag possible. It is that drag which makes it so difficult to stop the habit which gets in to a routine. Surely there are other ingredients which add to the allure. The smoke itself envelopes you in a kind of intimacy and a smoke filled room is always pregnant with great ideas and hopes. It is hard to imagine a revolution being planned in a smoke free room. Yet you don't need a cig for that...vaping was a good substitute in that sense except for that damn first drag and the hard texture of the thing. Guess it is always a good time to quit. But what can substitute the feeling of that first drag? Perhaps it is just one thing one has to simply give up.

dimech u l-medjokrita

Biex tifhem u tispjega kultant tispicca tirrazzjonalizza aspetti tal-hajja socjali u politika li haqqhom biss tnejjik u satira. Speci li ghad hawn min iqum filghodu u l-ewwel haga li jaghmel hi li jidhol fuq facebook biex jghid prosit lil xi Ministru f'pajjiz li l-ebda Ministru ma jhossux hazin b'dan, hi sinjal ta medjokrita li probabli ghanda gheruq socjali u storici imma tibqa li hi...pajjiz li qatt ma produca rivoluzzjonijiet. Pajjiz li qatt m ghada mil-passatur tal-vjolenza tal-istorja. Pajjiz li anki s-sekularizmu gie fih f pakkett medjokri u grottesk. Biex ma nsemmux partitarji li baqu jiddefendu l-indifensibli li l-anqas il-partit taghhom m ghadu komdu jiddefendi. U l-iktar li ninharaq hi meta attitudni li m'hi xejn injoranza tigi kwazi glorifikata bhala xi espressjoni tal-klassi tal-haddiema u min jitnejjek bija jigi labelled elitist. Manwel Dimech nahseb kien jirremetti u Gwann Mamo kien jikteb novella iktar brutali minn ulied in nanna venut. Kieku ghex Dimech illum hafna kienu jikkundanawh bhala elitist ghax ma tanx kellu xi apprezzament kbir tal-kultura popolari anzi... Ir-realta hi li Dimech u Mamo iktar minnu kienu unforgiving quddiem l-injoranza tal-masses...bi kwalifika importanti; dik li riedu l-emancipazzjoni...imma anki hawn wiehed ma jistghax ma jinnotax il-mod grottesk kif tigi l-bidla f'Malta. Forsi hemm raguni storika...dik li ma kellnix 1789, 1848 u 1968...assenza shiha tal-borgezija rivoluzzjonarja, rwol li kellhom jidhlu ghalih intelletwali organici bhal dimech li hareg mil-habs u wara politici imperfetti imma egemonici bhal mintoff...imma fl-ahhar mil-ahhar l-hsieb qatt ma kien rispettat. Wara dimech hadd ma ta wisq kaz l-emancipazzjoni mentali tal-haddiema u issa naqra too late ghax l-unika aspirazzjoni ta klassi li baqa hi dik li nsiru sinjuri zghar (ovvjament sinjuri fil-but mhux fil-mohh). Imma issa waqet il-maskra u l-haddiem darrewh ifahhar lil mafjuz, lil korrott u lis-sinjur (dejjem jekk fuq in-naha t-taghna) Forsi mhux Malta biss. Speci l-lemin populista/faxxista kullumkien jiccelebra il-poplu (bhala rapprezentazzjoni tal-injoranza) waqt li jattakaw l-elites (li jinkludu wkoll l-NGOs, il-gurnalisti imma mhux dawk li stinkaw fil-hajja biex jifthu xi kumpanija offshore) imma Malta ghandna inqas immunita ghal dan it-tip ta hsieb...Dimech kien izolat meta gie eziljat, minghajr hadd ma rrezista jew lissen kelma... Fl-istess hin minkejja il-bizarriji kollha ghalinqas illum hemm min jirrezisti u f' xi aspetti ikolli nghid qed nghixu ahjar (bizejjed insemmu l-fatt li sa ftit zmien ilu lanqas divorzu ma kellna)...Pero hemm xi haga hazina hafna f'pajjiz fejn ir-riformi liberali isehhu fi sfont mhux biss neoliberali (argument iehor imma relatat) imma fi sfont illiberali, ta servilizmu u laqghizmu. Ghalhekk ikolli nghid li l-iktar haga li ghanda bzonn Malta hi satira vjolenti u irriverenti...(sfortunatament jien se nibqa nirrazzjonalizza u nanalizza ghax ghalhekk ninqala). Kelli nigi hawn biex nizvoga ghalkemm kelli f' mohhi nikteb xi haga differenti fuq ir-ritwali u kif dawn jikbru madwarek u ssib rifugju u serhan fihom... Forsi ghal darba ohra.

Hosting

too lazy to move to studio. typing first blog on my chargimg mobile, with franco battiato's eurovision entry of 3 decades or so ago. that feeling of serenity after cleaning after hosting. that feeling of opening your home to others or even others who were at another home with you. listening to that same playlist you prepared for the little feast...butter, cream, potato and pork ...that sharp culinary divide of olive oil vs butter, beer vs wine, pig vs grain... nordic vs mediterranean but united ina celtic way..so hosting is also a bit like seducing with music and food, you just hope those invited enjoy your choices...much depends on what effort you put in those choices, the ingredients and spices you put im the mix, for it is all an alchemical collision of the universe on our senses, taste buds, smell and vision. that sensation when you enter someone else's home, sometimes disorienting and sometimes welcoming. playlists are also a bit like a home, an accumulation of tastes influenced by guests who stayed and left a bit of themselves. for we always leave traces of ourselves everywhere, that is after all the purpose of life, to leave traces of our lives in others and hope that those traces made their life more beatiful at least in an ephemeral way.

Perspettivi

jghaddi z-zmien, perspettiva fuq li gara u ma garax. tistghageb, tistordi, tosfor...ddum ma tigi lura hawn u tiprova tmur lura hemm. gheruq li jfitxu u jimirhu l boghod mis sigra, gheruq li ma jinbtux u jsiru hamrija, gheruq li jintbtu fil holm tal gzira li tghum fil bahar taz zmien. mewg. caqliqa. tizliga. qafsa ta qalb. rabja. gheruq politici. sfond gypsy punk. tidhol fil fosqa tad duhhan. mieghek innifsek. il jien u lil hinn minni. ma nixteqx. waqfien. submission/liberation. kenn fil kitba. u fl-ikel. ssajjar ghal xi hadd. ssajjar ma xi hadd. materjalizmu. festa. s sbuhija tal hajja. eta. ageing gracefully. i saw the best minds of my generation...diska wahda. ritratt ta' memorja. zbalji. mhabbiet. ghada jisbah.

Meta tqum filghodu

Tqum filghodu wara lejla pjutost ordinarja fejn tlajt naqa high mhux hazin u meta wasalt instabbat fis-sodda.  Is-soltu ottimizmu tas-sitta ta' filghodu.  Thoss il-bzonn ta espresso u tghid haqni anki pizzetta tal-isqallin biex igibni f'posti. Tpejjep dak l-ewwel sigarett. Drag. Thoss lublieba ghall-hajja. Imbghad timxi l-mixja ta' filghodu u thoss sensazzjoni stramba ta dubju f' dak li ghidt, kif ghidtu u x' m' ghidtx u ghalkemm intangibli ghal waqt tkun tixtieq l-art tibilak, imma tkompli l-mixja lejn in-normalita.   Anzi tahseb naqa fuq il-fares politici u titbissem.  Jerga jigi d-dubju li f' xi mument zlaqt f' univers parallel, ghax kultant tigrilek...u tibda tiprova tiftakar meta stajt zlaqt u ghaliex.  Ma tiftakar xejn partikolari u tkompli timxi.  U tahseb x' se tikteb meta tasal ix-xoghol. Ticcekja l-mobile u tibda tibghat il-bongijiet.  Tinjora xi messaggi u tistenna ohrajn.   Tiftakar li grawlek kocc affarijiet dan l-ahhar ukoll.  Tiprova tohloq sekwenza imma titgerfex. Thoss li iktar kemm jinbidlu affarijiet, inqas jigru affarijiet. Tixtieq.  Il-mixja tfakkrek biex ma ddurx fi crieki ghax ma tasalx. Pero fil-hajja mhux kollox linear.  Tahseb f' xi haga sabiha.  L-ewwel haga li tigi f'mohhok. Tbissima. Tohlom ftit. Wara thossok naqa inqas kuntent.  Tahseb fl-ahhar ktieb li qrajt.   Thossok bizzejjed kuntent mhux iz-zejjed.  Tibza ftit.  Thoss li gara xi haga hazina.  Ma tafx x'hini. Terga ticcekja l-mobile.  Tasal ix-xoghol.  Thoss bzonn tikteb.  Tigi hawn. Tiftakar meta kont tigi ta' spiss hawn. Thoss li m' intix l-istess bniedem.  Thoss vojt.  Tiehu kafe iehor.  Tibda l-gurnata. Thoss l-ottimizmu tad-disgha ta' filghodu. Titamma f'zelqa ohra, mhux fin-niexef. Thoss certezza li gejjin affarijiet sbieh. Tibza li terga tizloq fil-mument li jigru ghax taf li x'imkien iehor diga graw.

Freedom from choosing

Reality has a habit of setting in and anchoring us in new realities.  One may compare life with a novel full of bizarre twists but one which is to a variable degree interactive like those TV shows where the viewer is invited to make choices for the characters in the plot.  But although the novel may be writing itself-relegating some events to footnotes and elevating others to new chapters,  in doing so it creates material realities.  But even as the novel unfolds, there is always the resistance of very material characters; in their daily procrastination, detachments and inertia, with the resulting feeling of melancholy reflecting the pleasant tension between what actually exists, what cannot exist and what can potentially and easily exist but which we can postpone or even evade or let slip away.  Ultimately there are always choices but  also the freedom to refuse to choose. Cause while freedom is all about choice, it also entails not choosing between things which are already defined for us in the scripts of already written plots and novels.  In this sense one may choose to subvert the plot through inaction, procrastination and basking in lethargic futility.  The freedom not to go anywhere.  The freedom of having no goal.  The freedom to collect memories and things for the sake of it.  The freedom to be nomadic and go round in circles.  

Hedla

My search for the Maltese word which captures the national popular mood as amplified by the summer haze had started with an exploration of the word affan which I described as a kind of intellectual lethargy and an aversion to thinking  rooted in a colonial psyche and lack of historical roots. For while history is everywhere, the connection between past and present is tenuous, resulting in a rootless culture.
This lethargy does not  evoke a relaxed late back mediterranean joy of living but is expressed in road rage, blasting petards in to the sky, appropriating and carving public spaces and in some cases a savage ethic of individual greed and a rejection of silence.
Still this is not a full picture.  Even in the self appropriated boat house shanty towns and the contested beaches one finds a slower pace of life and a surrender to the overwhelming heat. A state of mind  more conducive to a slower pace of living, which leads me to hedla, a beautiful Maltese word, which is evocative of the mental and physical abandonment after a long day at the beach, which is akin to smoking pot or the silence after a moment of passion. 
Hedla has the potential for post colonial emancipation, a rediscovery of mediterranean identities, a liberation from collective sexual guilt and a rejection of the ethic of self appropriation, a much needed slow down in a country whose soul has been corrupted by rampant neo-liberalism.  Hedla may not evoke rebellion but it does contain the seeds of a different way of living in greater harmony with nature and stronger roots in local communities.