Saturday, November 14, 2020

Perspettivi

jghaddi z-zmien, perspettiva fuq li gara u ma garax. tistghageb, tistordi, tosfor...ddum ma tigi lura hawn u tiprova tmur lura hemm. gheruq li jfitxu u jimirhu l boghod mis sigra, gheruq li ma jinbtux u jsiru hamrija, gheruq li jintbtu fil holm tal gzira li tghum fil bahar taz zmien. mewg. caqliqa. tizliga. qafsa ta qalb. rabja. gheruq politici. sfond gypsy punk. tidhol fil fosqa tad duhhan. mieghek innifsek. il jien u lil hinn minni. ma nixteqx. waqfien. submission/liberation. kenn fil kitba. u fl-ikel. ssajjar ghal xi hadd. ssajjar ma xi hadd. materjalizmu. festa. s sbuhija tal hajja. eta. ageing gracefully. i saw the best minds of my generation...diska wahda. ritratt ta' memorja. zbalji. mhabbiet. ghada jisbah.

Friday, July 17, 2020

Meta tqum filghodu

Tqum filghodu wara lejla pjutost ordinarja fejn tlajt naqa high mhux hazin u meta wasalt instabbat fis-sodda.  Is-soltu ottimizmu tas-sitta ta' filghodu.  Thoss il-bzonn ta espresso u tghid haqni anki pizzetta tal-isqallin biex igibni f'posti. Tpejjep dak l-ewwel sigarett. Drag. Thoss lublieba ghall-hajja. Imbghad timxi l-mixja ta' filghodu u thoss sensazzjoni stramba ta dubju f' dak li ghidt, kif ghidtu u x' m' ghidtx u ghalkemm intangibli ghal waqt tkun tixtieq l-art tibilak, imma tkompli l-mixja lejn in-normalita.   Anzi tahseb naqa fuq il-fares politici u titbissem.  Jerga jigi d-dubju li f' xi mument zlaqt f' univers parallel, ghax kultant tigrilek...u tibda tiprova tiftakar meta stajt zlaqt u ghaliex.  Ma tiftakar xejn partikolari u tkompli timxi.  U tahseb x' se tikteb meta tasal ix-xoghol. Ticcekja l-mobile u tibda tibghat il-bongijiet.  Tinjora xi messaggi u tistenna ohrajn.   Tiftakar li grawlek kocc affarijiet dan l-ahhar ukoll.  Tiprova tohloq sekwenza imma titgerfex. Thoss li iktar kemm jinbidlu affarijiet, inqas jigru affarijiet. Tixtieq.  Il-mixja tfakkrek biex ma ddurx fi crieki ghax ma tasalx. Pero fil-hajja mhux kollox linear.  Tahseb f' xi haga sabiha.  L-ewwel haga li tigi f'mohhok. Tbissima. Tohlom ftit. Wara thossok naqa inqas kuntent.  Tahseb fl-ahhar ktieb li qrajt.   Thossok bizzejjed kuntent mhux iz-zejjed.  Tibza ftit.  Thoss li gara xi haga hazina.  Ma tafx x'hini. Terga ticcekja l-mobile.  Tasal ix-xoghol.  Thoss bzonn tikteb.  Tigi hawn. Tiftakar meta kont tigi ta' spiss hawn. Thoss li m' intix l-istess bniedem.  Thoss vojt.  Tiehu kafe iehor.  Tibda l-gurnata. Thoss l-ottimizmu tad-disgha ta' filghodu. Titamma f'zelqa ohra, mhux fin-niexef. Thoss certezza li gejjin affarijiet sbieh. Tibza li terga tizloq fil-mument li jigru ghax taf li x'imkien iehor diga graw.

Sunday, July 12, 2020

Freedom from choosing

Reality has a habit of setting in and anchoring us in new realities.  One may compare life with a novel full of bizarre twists but one which is to a variable degree interactive like those TV shows where the viewer is invited to make choices for the characters in the plot.  But although the novel may be writing itself-relegating some events to footnotes and elevating others to new chapters,  in doing so it creates material realities.  But even as the novel unfolds, there is always the resistance of very material characters; in their daily procrastination, detachments and inertia, with the resulting feeling of melancholy reflecting the pleasant tension between what actually exists, what cannot exist and what can potentially and easily exist but which we can postpone or even evade or let slip away.  Ultimately there are always choices but  also the freedom to refuse to choose. Cause while freedom is all about choice, it also entails not choosing between things which are already defined for us in the scripts of already written plots and novels.  In this sense one may choose to subvert the plot through inaction, procrastination and basking in lethargic futility.  The freedom not to go anywhere.  The freedom of having no goal.  The freedom to collect memories and things for the sake of it.  The freedom to be nomadic and go round in circles.  

Thursday, July 2, 2020

Hedla

My search for the Maltese word which captures the national popular mood as amplified by the summer haze had started with an exploration of the word affan which I described as a kind of intellectual lethargy and an aversion to thinking  rooted in a colonial psyche and lack of historical roots. For while history is everywhere, the connection between past and present is tenuous, resulting in a rootless culture.
This lethargy does not  evoke a relaxed late back mediterranean joy of living but is expressed in road rage, blasting petards in to the sky, appropriating and carving public spaces and in some cases a savage ethic of individual greed and a rejection of silence.
Still this is not a full picture.  Even in the self appropriated boat house shanty towns and the contested beaches one finds a slower pace of life and a surrender to the overwhelming heat. A state of mind  more conducive to a slower pace of living, which leads me to hedla, a beautiful Maltese word, which is evocative of the mental and physical abandonment after a long day at the beach, which is akin to smoking pot or the silence after a moment of passion. 
Hedla has the potential for post colonial emancipation, a rediscovery of mediterranean identities, a liberation from collective sexual guilt and a rejection of the ethic of self appropriation, a much needed slow down in a country whose soul has been corrupted by rampant neo-liberalism.  Hedla may not evoke rebellion but it does contain the seeds of a different way of living in greater harmony with nature and stronger roots in local communities.

Wednesday, June 17, 2020

Igsma




F' wiehed minn dawk l-argumenti dwar l-abort li hafna drabi jmissu l-qiegh f' dak li ghandu x'jaqsam ma hsieb logiku, xi hadd fuq facebook saqsieni biex nikkunsidra l-eventwalita li gejt abortit ma konx nezisti u b'konsegwenza  ma nkunx hawn biex naghmel argument favur il-legalizazzjoni tal-abort.  Ir-risposta kienet li kieku kien hekk sempliciment ma konx nezisti. L-istess kien jigri kieku sperma ohra rebhet it-tellieqa.   Ma tanx hemm x' tirrifletti fuq hekk.  Ghax l-ezistenza diga kumbinazzjoni kbira f' katina ta' kumbinazzjonijiet li tmur lura ghal miljuni ta' zmien.    Minn kollox setgha jigri biex ma nitwilidx u ma nkunx hawn u anki jekk twelidt dak li jien illum hu wkoll dovut ghal kumbinazzjonijiet ohra li graw wara li twelidt.  Kumbinazzjoni wahda li ma gratx u kont inkun James iehor speci. F'dan is-sens l-gisem mhux destin imma prodott ta' hafna kumbinazzjonijiet.  Ezempju kieku meta kont zghir kont naghmel iktar sports, probabli ghandi gisem iktar mibni u anki dik kienet tibdel min jien illum.  Ovvja li hemm ukoll fatturi biologici bhal genes u hekk imma dawn jirreagixxu ma kuntest maghmul minn igsma u materji ohra.   Imma iktar inkwetanti hi s-sens ta' offiza  ta hafna rgiel  li jopponu l-abort meta tissuggerixxi li l-argument dwar l-abort hu essenzjalment wiehed dwar il-kontroll ta' x' jigri f'gisem haddiehor.  Imma r-realta hi dik.  Xi whud iddecidew li l-mara jehdula l-kontroll fuq il-guf li hu  parti minn gisima daqs kemm hija idi u sieqi. F' Malta dan l-att ta vjolenza strutturali irnexielna nahbuh wara l-glorifikazzjoni tal-omm.  Imma fl-istess hin ftit hemm empatija ghal gisem li jrid igor fih kreatura ghal disa xhur shah irida jew ma jridiex.  Anzi l-idea prevalenti li dak destin inevitabli mhux ghazla li tista trendi ferh kbir imma li tista wkoll tnaqqas l-ansejta u l-ugiegh.  Pero l-kontroll tal-igsma mhux limitat ghal kwistjoni tal-abort. Fir-realta l-politika hi essenzjalment l-kontroll tal-igsma.  Il-kontroll ta' fejn u kif jiccaqalqu l-igsma, kemm jieklu l-igsma, kemm jahxu l-igsma, x' sustanzi jiehdu l-igsma, kemm jobdu l-igsma  u fejn joqghodu l-igsma. Ghalhekk anki is-socjalizmu irid jimxi mil-idea ta' kontrol sistematiku tal-igsma ghal wahda li tehles l-igsma billi toffri sigurta ekonomika shiha u awtonomija personali shiha.  Fl-ahhar mil ahhar l-importanti mhux ghaliex spiccajna hawn imma kif nghixu hawn.  Minghajr ghazla m'hemmx helsien.  Pero minghajr ezistenza materjali xierqa m'hemmx ghazla ta vera.  Fl-ahhar mil-ahhar il-kapitalizmu jrazzan l-igsma ghax fih hemm it-tehdida ahharija li joqtluk bil-guh.  Sfortunatament hafna nies huma iktar ossessjonati bil-hajja ta' dawk li ma jridux jghixu jew li m'humiex konxji li qed jghixu milli bil-hajja ta' dawk li jridu jghixu ahjar. Imbghad hemm dawk li jibzaw mil-igsma li jiccaqalqu wisq, li jgibu irwejjah godda. li jipprovokaw, li huma wisq prezenti, li jgibu l-mard, li jikkontaminaw, li jintnu....F'dinja mhedda mil-virus l-awtonomija personali facli tista tispicca taht tehdida mhux mis-sens ta' responsabilita u solidarjeta li urejna fil-lockdown imma minn socjeta li tpoggi certi igsma f' iktar riskju biex jibqu  jikkonsmaw u jipproducu waqt li fl-istess hin tikkontrollahom iktar biex ma jxerdux ir-riskju. F'dan il-process jinholoq surplus ta' igsma vaganti li l-ezistenza taghhom tigi meqjusa thedida fiha nfisha.

Monday, June 15, 2020

Il-blata li tghum fl-arja



Il-mument li ma giex, harab u telaq.  Qisu blata tghum fl-arja.  Naqa, hafna u ftit li xejn ... minghajr ma jistenna dik il- minuta  ta’ skiet li tghati tifsira.   Il-pajjiz, ir-rivoluzzjoni, it-tamiet, il-ferrovija li waqfet fl-istazzjon, il-waqa tar-regim li welled iehor,  il-jienijiet, it-tghaffig  li jizloq, il-covid-19 u l-iljieli inbid u smoke,  il-holm b' sensazzjoni fuggenti, il-mixjiet msahhra, is-shahar, il-memorji mcajpra.  Kollox jghaddi minghajr dik il-waqfa ta’ minuta biex inkun nista nigbor il-memorja ta mument li ghadda. Issa beda zmien l-affan.  Imma fl-ghafa hemm ukoll il-hegga ghal dak li baqa biex jigri, il-mument li jerga jizloq u jahrab.

Saturday, June 13, 2020

Those things

There are particular mornings when you wake up with the awkward feeling that something is gone, perhaps washed away by the tequilas of the previous night.  A blank and neutral feeling, not particularly deep nor light.   Neither relief nor sadness.  It still feels numb while drinking a strong coffee.  This morning's feeling was that the Covid-19  period is now definitely over.  Even if the virus returns it will never be the same again.  The sensation of magic and loss is gone never to be experienced in this way again. For this period represented an opening up to life and a greater sensitivity to  beauty.  Than as the day proceeds and you walk it over, you realise that the thing is buried somewhere deep inside you. For some things are meant to fizzle out but a few others continue to define what we are and what we are becoming.  Somethings are shelved  in the comfort that they have been consumed and understood.   Others remain undefined just“things”, which are not meant to be understood ever.  But it does not really matter how consequential and real these things were for them to define us.  Even the most insignificant and ephemeral incidents, sheer footnotes in the great scheme of things, can belong to this category of 'things'.  It can be a chance encounter, an incident, a ghost (I have seen one when I was a child), a landscape, a song, a place in some distant land, a garden, a dream, a coincidence, a long or a short conversation, a kiss, a moment when you felt slipping in a parallel universe or even a look.  But there comes the moment when you realize how futile it is to keep searching for the  meaning of everything. Some things are simply outside our control.  Submission is liberation.  That moment sets you free.  Of course some of these things may take a life of their own and evolve and even flourish.  But some continue making our hearts smile, as they are shelved in the brain without having been deciphered, where they become a part of what we are. And what we are is hardly something we can ever understand.