Meta tqum filghodu

Tqum filghodu wara lejla pjutost ordinarja fejn tlajt naqa high mhux hazin u meta wasalt instabbat fis-sodda.  Is-soltu ottimizmu tas-sitta ta' filghodu.  Thoss il-bzonn ta espresso u tghid haqni anki pizzetta tal-isqallin biex igibni f'posti. Tpejjep dak l-ewwel sigarett. Drag. Thoss lublieba ghall-hajja. Imbghad timxi l-mixja ta' filghodu u thoss sensazzjoni stramba ta dubju f' dak li ghidt, kif ghidtu u x' m' ghidtx u ghalkemm intangibli ghal waqt tkun tixtieq l-art tibilak, imma tkompli l-mixja lejn in-normalita.   Anzi tahseb naqa fuq il-fares politici u titbissem.  Jerga jigi d-dubju li f' xi mument zlaqt f' univers parallel, ghax kultant tigrilek...u tibda tiprova tiftakar meta stajt zlaqt u ghaliex.  Ma tiftakar xejn partikolari u tkompli timxi.  U tahseb x' se tikteb meta tasal ix-xoghol. Ticcekja l-mobile u tibda tibghat il-bongijiet.  Tinjora xi messaggi u tistenna ohrajn.   Tiftakar li grawlek kocc affarijiet dan l-ahhar ukoll.  Tiprova tohloq sekwenza imma titgerfex. Thoss li iktar kemm jinbidlu affarijiet, inqas jigru affarijiet. Tixtieq.  Il-mixja tfakkrek biex ma ddurx fi crieki ghax ma tasalx. Pero fil-hajja mhux kollox linear.  Tahseb f' xi haga sabiha.  L-ewwel haga li tigi f'mohhok. Tbissima. Tohlom ftit. Wara thossok naqa inqas kuntent.  Tahseb fl-ahhar ktieb li qrajt.   Thossok bizzejjed kuntent mhux iz-zejjed.  Tibza ftit.  Thoss li gara xi haga hazina.  Ma tafx x'hini. Terga ticcekja l-mobile.  Tasal ix-xoghol.  Thoss bzonn tikteb.  Tigi hawn. Tiftakar meta kont tigi ta' spiss hawn. Thoss li m' intix l-istess bniedem.  Thoss vojt.  Tiehu kafe iehor.  Tibda l-gurnata. Thoss l-ottimizmu tad-disgha ta' filghodu. Titamma f'zelqa ohra, mhux fin-niexef. Thoss certezza li gejjin affarijiet sbieh. Tibza li terga tizloq fil-mument li jigru ghax taf li x'imkien iehor diga graw.

Freedom from choosing

Reality has a habit of setting in and anchoring us in new realities.  One may compare life with a novel full of bizarre twists but one which is to a variable degree interactive like those TV shows where the viewer is invited to make choices for the characters in the plot.  But although the novel may be writing itself-relegating some events to footnotes and elevating others to new chapters,  in doing so it creates material realities.  But even as the novel unfolds, there is always the resistance of very material characters; in their daily procrastination, detachments and inertia, with the resulting feeling of melancholy reflecting the pleasant tension between what actually exists, what cannot exist and what can potentially and easily exist but which we can postpone or even evade or let slip away.  Ultimately there are always choices but  also the freedom to refuse to choose. Cause while freedom is all about choice, it also entails not choosing between things which are already defined for us in the scripts of already written plots and novels.  In this sense one may choose to subvert the plot through inaction, procrastination and basking in lethargic futility.  The freedom not to go anywhere.  The freedom of having no goal.  The freedom to collect memories and things for the sake of it.  The freedom to be nomadic and go round in circles.  

Hedla

My search for the Maltese word which captures the national popular mood as amplified by the summer haze had started with an exploration of the word affan which I described as a kind of intellectual lethargy and an aversion to thinking  rooted in a colonial psyche and lack of historical roots. For while history is everywhere, the connection between past and present is tenuous, resulting in a rootless culture.
This lethargy does not  evoke a relaxed late back mediterranean joy of living but is expressed in road rage, blasting petards in to the sky, appropriating and carving public spaces and in some cases a savage ethic of individual greed and a rejection of silence.
Still this is not a full picture.  Even in the self appropriated boat house shanty towns and the contested beaches one finds a slower pace of life and a surrender to the overwhelming heat. A state of mind  more conducive to a slower pace of living, which leads me to hedla, a beautiful Maltese word, which is evocative of the mental and physical abandonment after a long day at the beach, which is akin to smoking pot or the silence after a moment of passion. 
Hedla has the potential for post colonial emancipation, a rediscovery of mediterranean identities, a liberation from collective sexual guilt and a rejection of the ethic of self appropriation, a much needed slow down in a country whose soul has been corrupted by rampant neo-liberalism.  Hedla may not evoke rebellion but it does contain the seeds of a different way of living in greater harmony with nature and stronger roots in local communities.

Igsma

F' wiehed minn dawk l-argumenti dwar l-abort li hafna drabi jmissu l-qiegh f' dak li ghandu x'jaqsam ma hsieb logiku, xi hadd fuq facebook saqsieni biex nikkunsidra l-eventwalita li gejt abortit ma konx nezisti u b'konsegwenza  ma nkunx hawn biex naghmel argument favur il-legalizazzjoni tal-abort.  Ir-risposta kienet li kieku kien hekk sempliciment ma konx nezisti. L-istess kien jigri kieku sperma ohra rebhet it-tellieqa.   Ma tanx hemm x' tirrifletti fuq hekk.  Ghax l-ezistenza diga kumbinazzjoni kbira f' katina ta' kumbinazzjonijiet li tmur lura ghal miljuni ta' zmien.    Minn kollox setgha jigri biex ma nitwilidx u ma nkunx hawn u anki jekk twelidt dak li jien illum hu wkoll dovut ghal kumbinazzjonijiet ohra li graw wara li twelidt.  Kumbinazzjoni wahda li ma gratx u kont inkun James iehor speci. F'dan is-sens l-gisem mhux destin imma prodott ta' hafna kumbinazzjonijiet.  Ezempju kieku meta kont zghir kont naghmel iktar sports, probabli ghandi gisem iktar mibni u anki dik kienet tibdel min jien illum.  Ovvja li hemm ukoll fatturi biologici bhal genes u hekk imma dawn jirreagixxu ma kuntest maghmul minn igsma u materji ohra.   Imma iktar inkwetanti hi s-sens ta' offiza  ta hafna rgiel  li jopponu l-abort meta tissuggerixxi li l-argument dwar l-abort hu essenzjalment wiehed dwar il-kontroll ta' x' jigri f'gisem haddiehor.  Imma r-realta hi dik.  Xi whud iddecidew li l-mara jehdula l-kontroll fuq il-guf li hu  parti minn gisima daqs kemm hija idi u sieqi. F' Malta dan l-att ta vjolenza strutturali irnexielna nahbuh wara l-glorifikazzjoni tal-omm.  Imma fl-istess hin ftit hemm empatija ghal gisem li jrid igor fih kreatura ghal disa xhur shah irida jew ma jridiex.  Anzi l-idea prevalenti li dak destin inevitabli mhux ghazla li tista trendi ferh kbir imma li tista wkoll tnaqqas l-ansejta u l-ugiegh.  Pero l-kontroll tal-igsma mhux limitat ghal kwistjoni tal-abort. Fir-realta l-politika hi essenzjalment l-kontroll tal-igsma.  Il-kontroll ta' fejn u kif jiccaqalqu l-igsma, kemm jieklu l-igsma, kemm jahxu l-igsma, x' sustanzi jiehdu l-igsma, kemm jobdu l-igsma  u fejn joqghodu l-igsma. Ghalhekk anki is-socjalizmu irid jimxi mil-idea ta' kontrol sistematiku tal-igsma ghal wahda li tehles l-igsma billi toffri sigurta ekonomika shiha u awtonomija personali shiha.  Fl-ahhar mil ahhar l-importanti mhux ghaliex spiccajna hawn imma kif nghixu hawn.  Minghajr ghazla m'hemmx helsien.  Pero minghajr ezistenza materjali xierqa m'hemmx ghazla ta vera.  Fl-ahhar mil-ahhar il-kapitalizmu jrazzan l-igsma ghax fih hemm it-tehdida ahharija li joqtluk bil-guh.  Sfortunatament hafna nies huma iktar ossessjonati bil-hajja ta' dawk li ma jridux jghixu jew li m'humiex konxji li qed jghixu milli bil-hajja ta' dawk li jridu jghixu ahjar. Imbghad hemm dawk li jibzaw mil-igsma li jiccaqalqu wisq, li jgibu irwejjah godda. li jipprovokaw, li huma wisq prezenti, li jgibu l-mard, li jikkontaminaw, li jintnu....F'dinja mhedda mil-virus l-awtonomija personali facli tista tispicca taht tehdida mhux mis-sens ta' responsabilita u solidarjeta li urejna fil-lockdown imma minn socjeta li tpoggi certi igsma f' iktar riskju biex jibqu  jikkonsmaw u jipproducu waqt li fl-istess hin tikkontrollahom iktar biex ma jxerdux ir-riskju. F'dan il-process jinholoq surplus ta' igsma vaganti li l-ezistenza taghhom tigi meqjusa thedida fiha nfisha.

Il-blata li tghum fl-arja

Il-mument li ma giex, harab u telaq.  Qisu blata tghum fl-arja.  Naqa, hafna u ftit li xejn ... minghajr ma jistenna dik il- minuta  ta’ skiet li tghati tifsira.   Il-pajjiz, ir-rivoluzzjoni, it-tamiet, il-ferrovija li waqfet fl-istazzjon, il-waqa tar-regim li welled iehor,  il-jienijiet, it-tghaffig  li jizloq, il-covid-19 u l-iljieli inbid u smoke,  il-holm b' sensazzjoni fuggenti, il-mixjiet msahhra, is-shahar, il-memorji mcajpra.  Kollox jghaddi minghajr dik il-waqfa ta’ minuta biex inkun nista nigbor il-memorja ta mument li ghadda. Issa beda zmien l-affan.  Imma fl-ghafa hemm ukoll il-hegga ghal dak li baqa biex jigri, il-mument li jerga jizloq u jahrab.

Those things

There are particular mornings when you wake up with the awkward feeling that something is gone, perhaps washed away by the tequilas of the previous night.  A blank and neutral feeling, not particularly deep nor light.   Neither relief nor sadness.  It still feels numb while drinking a strong coffee.  This morning's feeling was that the Covid-19  period is now definitely over.  Even if the virus returns it will never be the same again.  The sensation of magic and loss is gone never to be experienced in this way again. For this period represented an opening up to life and a greater sensitivity to  beauty.  Than as the day proceeds and you walk it over, you realise that the thing is buried somewhere deep inside you. For some things are meant to fizzle out but a few others continue to define what we are and what we are becoming.  Somethings are shelved  in the comfort that they have been consumed and understood.   Others remain undefined just“things”, which are not meant to be understood ever.  But it does not really matter how consequential and real these things were for them to define us.  Even the most insignificant and ephemeral incidents, sheer footnotes in the great scheme of things, can belong to this category of 'things'.  It can be a chance encounter, an incident, a ghost (I have seen one when I was a child), a landscape, a song, a place in some distant land, a garden, a dream, a coincidence, a long or a short conversation, a kiss, a moment when you felt slipping in a parallel universe or even a look.  But there comes the moment when you realize how futile it is to keep searching for the  meaning of everything. Some things are simply outside our control.  Submission is liberation.  That moment sets you free.  Of course some of these things may take a life of their own and evolve and even flourish.  But some continue making our hearts smile, as they are shelved in the brain without having been deciphered, where they become a part of what we are. And what we are is hardly something we can ever understand.       

L-affan Malti

Jekk hemm xi haga li tirrispekja z-zliega kollettiva Maltija hija l-affan tas-sajf. B' xi mod din is-sensazzjoni minn xi zmien ilu bdjet nsejhila ghafa jew afa (verzjoni feminili tal-affan, inqas qtugh ta' nifs u iktar sens ta' sensazzjoni u l-arja li jkollok madwarek fis-sajf Malti). Insomma il-kliem tista toholqu wkoll specjalment f' certi mumenti. 

F'Istanbul ghandhom il- huzun, il-melankonija ta' belt li kienet ic-centru tal-imperu.  F'Malta l-affan, jew kif nghidilha jien l-ghafa,  jirraprezenta l-letargija mentali ta' kolonja mwarba li b'kumbinazzjoni storika u bl-ebda destin spiccat pajjiz indipendenti illum membru shih tal-Unjoni Ewropea. 
Pajjiz li zgicca u sab nicca ekonomika biex johloq klassi ta' sinjuruni wikkiela u faxxa ikbar li jghixu biex isiru sinjuri zghar u lkoll jghixu jhokku ma xulxin fuq blata.  Pajjiz goal oriented, biezel biex jaghmel lira imma ghazzien fil-hsieb u suspettuz ghal dak li jidher stramb u differenti.   
Pajjiz li fih difficli tkun differenti ghalkemm tant kiber fil-popolazzjoni li ghall-grazzja ta' Alla,  llum sar iktar facli tiltaqa u tghix ma min hu differenti.
Malta m'ghandiex melankonija imma ghanda nuqqas ta' kwiet; speci ta' ansjeta li hafna drabi tohrog fil-konfront tal-ohrajn.  Mhux ansejta li tigi minn wisq hsieb. Anzi.  Iktar xi haga bhal road rage permanenti li tohrog l-iktar fl-affan tas-sajf.
Imma anki f' hekk l-Maltin inkonsistenti.  L-ohrajn xi drabi nilqawhom bil qalb anki minghajr kundizzjoni.   Xi drabi nittoleraw l-ohrajn ghax  ihallu naqa boqxiex. Xi drabi specjalment jekk l-ohrajn ikunu suwed u foqra tohrog il-mibgheda Maltija.  Ghax Malta m'hix xi vittma tal-istorja. Vera kienet uzata u abbuzata bhala kolonja imma ejja nghiduha m' ghandniex xi storja glorjuza ta' rezistenza.
Probabli kieku Malta kienet il-Germanja min jaf xi hnizrijiet kienet taghmel.  Malta ghanda wkoll hafna hdura fil-qalb taghha u ftit li xejn romanticizmu.  Il-Maltin nazzjon utilitarju li ftit li xejn japprezza l-assurd u l-futilita. Ghalhekk neqsin mil-ironija u niehdu l-hakkiema bis-serjeta, sal punt li nhobbuhom. 
Bizzejjed thares lejn dawk il-patrijotti li kienu qed izebilhu gemgha ta nies jipprotestaw kontra r-razzizmu. 

Malta ma tridx tkun taf x' ghanda f'ruha. Ma ssaqsix wisq fuqa infisa.  Ghax forsi m' hemmx wisq hlief blat, bahar u xemx u l-bqija huma nies li jahsbu li huma xi haga ghax kumbinazzjoni twieldu fuq bicca blata.  Forsi wkoll ghax qatt ma kienu kunfidenti  fihom infushom.  Ixejru l-bandiera Maltija minnkejja li ma tfisser xejn hlief marka ta' distinzjoni.  U nsertat bandiera kerha bla kuntrasti ta' lwien u b'salib (li ma jfakkar lil hadd fil-glieda anti faxxista hlief xi erba bhali).  

Malta dejjem bezghat mil-gheruq taghha.  Bizejjed insemmu l-gheruq  Gharab u Musulmani li gew kancellati minn storici li mohhhom kien biss kien biex jidru sbieh mal-hakkiema.
U ghax mhux kunfidenti Malta ma tikbirx. 

Tibqa pajjiz tal-habbagozz.  Malta ghanda iktar folklore milli kultura.  It-turizmu m'ghenx ghax mhux biss hexa l-ambjent imma wkoll seddaq mentalita ta' superficjalita fejn kollox qisu dekorazzjoni fuq cake.  Ghalhekk facli timmagina l-Malta bhala kollezzjoni ta' kinnie, twistees, gabbani tal-festi.  Mill-ghana ma tohrog l-ebda sfida politika u socjali.  Ma nistghux nitkellmu fuq zfin jew muzika Maltija. 
L-istorja dejjem ghaddiet minn fuqa imma qisu n-nies dejjem kellhom kapacita jinbidlu ta' taht fuq...minn Gharab ghal Insara, minn Sqallin ghal Maltin. Stajna sirna Inglizi forsi wkoll.  Sa ftit ilu kont nahseb li minghajr religjon difficli titkellem fuq identita Maltija. 
Illum m' iniex cert ghax f' din il-bidla f' 10 snin kienet kbira u tajba, imma minkejja li sirna iktar sekulari qisna ma sibnix moralita gdida.  Anzi xi drabi nhoss li f' certa affarijiet Malta hzienet. Speci il-fatt li n-nies ma sbarazzawx Kastilja mil-imbarazz wara dak li gara f'Dicembru turi naha ohra kemm tal-letargija kif ukoll tal-qalb hadra Maltija. Ghax ma nilghabux mal-kliem; daphne (li ma kinitx qaddisa u fija kien hemm kontradizzjonijiet maltin ukoll)  kienet ukoll wahda mil-ohrajn li hafna Maltin riduha mejta.  Kien hemm min ferah meta splodewha u din ghada tebgha kerha wisq fir-ruh Maltija. Tebgha li titlob sens ta' rimors li certi Maltin qatt ma hassew ghax qalbhom hazina.  
Imma imbghad hemm sinjali ta' tama f'din l-inkonsistenza shiha. Wara kollox anki l-pjazza tal-bierah mimlija diversita hija Maltija daqs jew iktar mil-patrijotti.  Li hu zgur li dik il-pjazza isbah u forsi minnha tohrog Malta gdida iktar Maltija.  Ghax speci li jaghmlek Malti hi haga pick and choose. Identita li tista tivvanta u tifforma bhat-tafal.  U fl-ghafa tas-Sajf f'Malta tista tizfen qisek qieghed il-Jamaica (anki jekk ma nafx nizfen).  Min jaf?  Ghax Malta sabiha u tista tkun genna tal-art ukoll.    
Imma personalment ta sikwit nesperjenza l-ghafa b'mod differenti mil-bqija tal-Maltin.  L-ghafa qisha fosqa  li fija niehu gost ninfilleg, ninhall u nizzelleg.   U fl-ghafa nhoss melankonija deep, gieli light gieli tqila. Nhobb naqra ktieb fil-qilla tax-xemx Maltija.  
M'hemmx xejn iktar brutali minn bikja f'gurnata xemx hdejn il-bahar specjalment wara xi argument definittiv. Imbghad m'hemm xejn isbah minn flixkun inbid, joint jew nejka jew it-tlieta f'daqqa fl-ghafa ta' lejla sajfija.  Il-gegwigija kollettiva wkoll sservi bhala sfont ghal esperjenza individwali. Il-hsejjes u l-irwejjah tal-bbqs iqajmu memorji.   Is-sajf inhobbu ghax inhobb il-hajja u x-xemx tghati iktar hajja.  Imma is-sajf bhal haxixa, tista tinhall fih imma  jamplifika kollox.  Ghalhekk m'hemmx xejn isbah minn joint fl-ghafa, preferibilment qabel xi nejka u qatt qabel jew wara xi bikja. Jien l-affan idejjaqni ghax jifgani, imma-ghafa nhobba hafna ghax thollni.