Those things

There are particular mornings when you wake up with the awkward feeling that something is gone, perhaps washed away by the tequilas of the previous night.  A blank and neutral feeling, not particularly deep nor light.   Neither relief nor sadness.  It still feels numb while drinking a strong coffee.  This morning's feeling was that the Covid-19  period is now definitely over.  Even if the virus returns it will never be the same again.  The sensation of magic and loss is gone never to be experienced in this way again. For this period represented an opening up to life and a greater sensitivity to  beauty.  Than as the day proceeds and you walk it over, you realise that the thing is buried somewhere deep inside you. For some things are meant to fizzle out but a few others continue to define what we are and what we are becoming.  Somethings are shelved  in the comfort that they have been consumed and understood.   Others remain undefined just“things”, which are not meant to be understood ever.  But it does not really matter how consequential and real these things were for them to define us.  Even the most insignificant and ephemeral incidents, sheer footnotes in the great scheme of things, can belong to this category of 'things'.  It can be a chance encounter, an incident, a ghost (I have seen one when I was a child), a landscape, a song, a place in some distant land, a garden, a dream, a coincidence, a long or a short conversation, a kiss, a moment when you felt slipping in a parallel universe or even a look.  But there comes the moment when you realize how futile it is to keep searching for the  meaning of everything. Some things are simply outside our control.  Submission is liberation.  That moment sets you free.  Of course some of these things may take a life of their own and evolve and even flourish.  But some continue making our hearts smile, as they are shelved in the brain without having been deciphered, where they become a part of what we are. And what we are is hardly something we can ever understand.       

L-affan Malti

Jekk hemm xi haga li tirrispekja z-zliega kollettiva Maltija hija l-affan tas-sajf. B' xi mod din is-sensazzjoni minn xi zmien ilu bdjet nsejhila ghafa jew afa (verzjoni feminili tal-affan, inqas qtugh ta' nifs u iktar sens ta' sensazzjoni u l-arja li jkollok madwarek fis-sajf Malti). Insomma il-kliem tista toholqu wkoll specjalment f' certi mumenti. 

F'Istanbul ghandhom il- huzun, il-melankonija ta' belt li kienet ic-centru tal-imperu.  F'Malta l-affan, jew kif nghidilha jien l-ghafa,  jirraprezenta l-letargija mentali ta' kolonja mwarba li b'kumbinazzjoni storika u bl-ebda destin spiccat pajjiz indipendenti illum membru shih tal-Unjoni Ewropea. 
Pajjiz li zgicca u sab nicca ekonomika biex johloq klassi ta' sinjuruni wikkiela u faxxa ikbar li jghixu biex isiru sinjuri zghar u lkoll jghixu jhokku ma xulxin fuq blata.  Pajjiz goal oriented, biezel biex jaghmel lira imma ghazzien fil-hsieb u suspettuz ghal dak li jidher stramb u differenti.   
Pajjiz li fih difficli tkun differenti ghalkemm tant kiber fil-popolazzjoni li ghall-grazzja ta' Alla,  llum sar iktar facli tiltaqa u tghix ma min hu differenti.
Malta m'ghandiex melankonija imma ghanda nuqqas ta' kwiet; speci ta' ansjeta li hafna drabi tohrog fil-konfront tal-ohrajn.  Mhux ansejta li tigi minn wisq hsieb. Anzi.  Iktar xi haga bhal road rage permanenti li tohrog l-iktar fl-affan tas-sajf.
Imma anki f' hekk l-Maltin inkonsistenti.  L-ohrajn xi drabi nilqawhom bil qalb anki minghajr kundizzjoni.   Xi drabi nittoleraw l-ohrajn ghax  ihallu naqa boqxiex. Xi drabi specjalment jekk l-ohrajn ikunu suwed u foqra tohrog il-mibgheda Maltija.  Ghax Malta m'hix xi vittma tal-istorja. Vera kienet uzata u abbuzata bhala kolonja imma ejja nghiduha m' ghandniex xi storja glorjuza ta' rezistenza.
Probabli kieku Malta kienet il-Germanja min jaf xi hnizrijiet kienet taghmel.  Malta ghanda wkoll hafna hdura fil-qalb taghha u ftit li xejn romanticizmu.  Il-Maltin nazzjon utilitarju li ftit li xejn japprezza l-assurd u l-futilita. Ghalhekk neqsin mil-ironija u niehdu l-hakkiema bis-serjeta, sal punt li nhobbuhom. 
Bizzejjed thares lejn dawk il-patrijotti li kienu qed izebilhu gemgha ta nies jipprotestaw kontra r-razzizmu. 

Malta ma tridx tkun taf x' ghanda f'ruha. Ma ssaqsix wisq fuqa infisa.  Ghax forsi m' hemmx wisq hlief blat, bahar u xemx u l-bqija huma nies li jahsbu li huma xi haga ghax kumbinazzjoni twieldu fuq bicca blata.  Forsi wkoll ghax qatt ma kienu kunfidenti  fihom infushom.  Ixejru l-bandiera Maltija minnkejja li ma tfisser xejn hlief marka ta' distinzjoni.  U nsertat bandiera kerha bla kuntrasti ta' lwien u b'salib (li ma jfakkar lil hadd fil-glieda anti faxxista hlief xi erba bhali).  

Malta dejjem bezghat mil-gheruq taghha.  Bizejjed insemmu l-gheruq  Gharab u Musulmani li gew kancellati minn storici li mohhhom kien biss kien biex jidru sbieh mal-hakkiema.
U ghax mhux kunfidenti Malta ma tikbirx. 

Tibqa pajjiz tal-habbagozz.  Malta ghanda iktar folklore milli kultura.  It-turizmu m'ghenx ghax mhux biss hexa l-ambjent imma wkoll seddaq mentalita ta' superficjalita fejn kollox qisu dekorazzjoni fuq cake.  Ghalhekk facli timmagina l-Malta bhala kollezzjoni ta' kinnie, twistees, gabbani tal-festi.  Mill-ghana ma tohrog l-ebda sfida politika u socjali.  Ma nistghux nitkellmu fuq zfin jew muzika Maltija. 
L-istorja dejjem ghaddiet minn fuqa imma qisu n-nies dejjem kellhom kapacita jinbidlu ta' taht fuq...minn Gharab ghal Insara, minn Sqallin ghal Maltin. Stajna sirna Inglizi forsi wkoll.  Sa ftit ilu kont nahseb li minghajr religjon difficli titkellem fuq identita Maltija. 
Illum m' iniex cert ghax f' din il-bidla f' 10 snin kienet kbira u tajba, imma minkejja li sirna iktar sekulari qisna ma sibnix moralita gdida.  Anzi xi drabi nhoss li f' certa affarijiet Malta hzienet. Speci il-fatt li n-nies ma sbarazzawx Kastilja mil-imbarazz wara dak li gara f'Dicembru turi naha ohra kemm tal-letargija kif ukoll tal-qalb hadra Maltija. Ghax ma nilghabux mal-kliem; daphne (li ma kinitx qaddisa u fija kien hemm kontradizzjonijiet maltin ukoll)  kienet ukoll wahda mil-ohrajn li hafna Maltin riduha mejta.  Kien hemm min ferah meta splodewha u din ghada tebgha kerha wisq fir-ruh Maltija. Tebgha li titlob sens ta' rimors li certi Maltin qatt ma hassew ghax qalbhom hazina.  
Imma imbghad hemm sinjali ta' tama f'din l-inkonsistenza shiha. Wara kollox anki l-pjazza tal-bierah mimlija diversita hija Maltija daqs jew iktar mil-patrijotti.  Li hu zgur li dik il-pjazza isbah u forsi minnha tohrog Malta gdida iktar Maltija.  Ghax speci li jaghmlek Malti hi haga pick and choose. Identita li tista tivvanta u tifforma bhat-tafal.  U fl-ghafa tas-Sajf f'Malta tista tizfen qisek qieghed il-Jamaica (anki jekk ma nafx nizfen).  Min jaf?  Ghax Malta sabiha u tista tkun genna tal-art ukoll.    
Imma personalment ta sikwit nesperjenza l-ghafa b'mod differenti mil-bqija tal-Maltin.  L-ghafa qisha fosqa  li fija niehu gost ninfilleg, ninhall u nizzelleg.   U fl-ghafa nhoss melankonija deep, gieli light gieli tqila. Nhobb naqra ktieb fil-qilla tax-xemx Maltija.  
M'hemmx xejn iktar brutali minn bikja f'gurnata xemx hdejn il-bahar specjalment wara xi argument definittiv. Imbghad m'hemm xejn isbah minn flixkun inbid, joint jew nejka jew it-tlieta f'daqqa fl-ghafa ta' lejla sajfija.  Il-gegwigija kollettiva wkoll sservi bhala sfont ghal esperjenza individwali. Il-hsejjes u l-irwejjah tal-bbqs iqajmu memorji.   Is-sajf inhobbu ghax inhobb il-hajja u x-xemx tghati iktar hajja.  Imma is-sajf bhal haxixa, tista tinhall fih imma  jamplifika kollox.  Ghalhekk m'hemmx xejn isbah minn joint fl-ghafa, preferibilment qabel xi nejka u qatt qabel jew wara xi bikja. Jien l-affan idejjaqni ghax jifgani, imma-ghafa nhobba hafna ghax thollni. 

Harifa qabel is-sajf

Din is-sena l-ewwel kellna rebbiegha fix-xitwa imbghad kellna naqa xitwa u mhux hazin sajf fir-rebbiegha u issa  giet ftit  harifa qabel flok wara s-sajf.  Kwazi temp li jixraq ghaz-zmien ta' issa.  Il-harifa tfakkarni fit-toqol tal-qalb fiz-zmien ta' qabel l-iskola.  Id-dieqa tal-ahhar ta' Settembru u l-bidu ta' Ottubru.  Imma wkoll zmien ta' certu entuzjazmu ghat-taghlim u r-rutina  wara xhur ta' semi izolament fid-dar, hafna drabi fil-kumpanija tal-kotba li kont ingib kull nhar ta Sibt minn Belt is-Sebh. Mhux ghax fil-harifa ma konx xorta imur Belt il-Sebh imma b'iktar hin f'idi l-kotba fis-sajf kont nixrobhom b'herqa ikbar il-kotba.  Tant li wara li nispiccahom kont nispicca ndur ghal dik l-enciklopedija, dawk il-kotba hoxnin u homor mimlija dettalji fuq kollox, mix-xmux fl-univers sal-hut ikrah u bla forma li jghix fil-qiegh tal-bahar.  Il-harifa wkoll zmien ta' sensittivita ikbar. Vera l-blat l-isbah li jkun  fis-sajf meta jixrob ix-xemx u jirrifletti l-ilwien f'kuntrast skjett mac-cilesti tas-sema u l-bahar.  Sfumaturi ta' hmura f'loghba max-xemx.  Imma fis-shab il-haxix qisu isbah u l-bahar f'temp griz qisu iktar misterjuz.  Kwazi jfakkarni iktar fix-xtajtiet nordici u ghalhekk narahom xi ftit iktar romantici, forsi wkoll ghax darba kont qlajt bewsa f'Paceville f lejla tal-Harifa fi zmien il-protesti tal-istipendji tad-disghinijiet.  Qisu kien premju helu dak...anki jekk l-istorja spiccat gimghatejn wara. U dawk l-ghajnejn domt ma nsejthom ghalkemm kollox imbghad jintnessa. U wara kienet giet Rebbiegha sabiha u bidu ta' storja twila. Imbghad meta jkun imqalleb il-bahar, spettaklu shih u b'xejn. Biex ma nsemmux ir-riha tal-hamrija wara l-ewwel xita. U  fil-harifa l-griz johloq sfumaturi ta melankonija. Imma l-harifa tqarribna wkoll ghal isbah zmien tas-sena, l-ispirtu infantili tal-Milied.  Speci hemm xi haga ghalxiex tistenna . Ghax il-melankonija kerha biss meta ma jkollokx xi haga ghalxiex thares il-quddiem.  U tkun l-aghar meta thares biss lura. Imma l-istaguni Maltin ihalluk xi ftit thares lura.  Ghawma fil-harifa qisa  privilegg, qisek qed tiprova ttawwal xi haga li taf li spiccat ghax ghadda zmiena.  Qisek qed tfotti b'certu gost u innocenza, specjalment jekk thoss l-irxix waqt li qieghed fl-ilma. Meta kont zghir l-ghawm kien jispicca mal-bidu tal-iskola.  Imma m'hemmx ghalfejn kollox ikun daqshekk regimentat.  U ma ninsewx imbghad is-sajf ta san martin.  Dawk il-granet xemxin ituk spinta kbira ghax tkun bdejt tidra t-temp griz u f' daqqa wahda s-sema tiftah u terga ddewwaqna naqa sajf.   L-istaguni qishom sbieh f' posthom imma wkoll sabih iz-zmien ta' mhux nejja u mhux mahruqa, iz-zmien ta' bejn sajf u xitwa, daqqa l-granet jxaqilbu l-hawn u daqqa l-hemm. Forsi  l-Harifa giet izurna xi ftit issa biex tghina nidhlu lura fin-normalita.  Izda xorta din il-harifa f'tarf ir-Rebbiegha qed nara b'ghajnejn differenti.  Qed inhossa naqa iktar.  Xi granet xemxin u ehfef u xi granet imsahhba u itqal.  Imma  xorta isbah. Ghax dan zmien il pessimizmu tal intellett u zmien l ottimizmu tar-rieda.

Self irony and laughter

There are moments when we take ourselves too seriously.  Sometimes the best defense against absurdity both in our personal and political lives, is to laugh at it. The antidote to our zeal for truths is just to picture our place in the universe; we occupy such an infinitesimally small dot that taking life too seriously simply makes no sense at all.  Our lives are a sheer coincidence in a long series of coincidences which probably includes both sexual blunders and astronomical collisions or near misses.  In Umberto Eco's Name of the Rose, William of Baskerville in his debate with Jorge of Burgos argues that laughter helps us “to undermine the false authority of an absurd proposition that offends reason.”  For Willian, “the only truth lies in learning to free ourselves from insane passion for the truth.” Because he made room for doubt, William had the intellectual flexibility to accommodate new ideas. By contrast, Jorge's zealotry and “insane passion for the truth” left him so resistant to any challenges to his worldview that he preferred to destroy all the books he held dear rather than to allow Aristotle's subversive book on comedy to come to light.

Nixtieq

Xi drabi thossok hafna bniedem meta thoss hafna toqol. Kien hemm zmien iehor. Niftakar iljieli twal naqra u nara netflix bi hsieb ta xi vaganza jberren f' mohhi. Nippostja selfies mal-kotba qabel nitfaghhom fuq l-ixkaffa. Ritwali. Ghext hafna emozzjonijiet ta' karattri li habbejt li haduni f'  postijiet varji. Tawni bizzejjed, mhux iz-zejjed ghax facli imbghad titfahom fuq l-ixkaffa u tinsihom. U vicin tieghi kelli xemx li tahmi u ddawwal b'entuzjazmu ta min jaf jghix, u li forsi kienet tiddi wisq fiz-zmien ta' ftit bizzejjed. Norqod fil-fond bla ansjeta. Kollox ftit imma bizzejjed. Bla riskju. Bla tghaffig u tqanqil. Hsibijiet lucidi waqt il-mixja ghax-xoghol, nanalizza s-sitwazzjoni tal-pajjiz f' mohhi. Kuntent imma mhux bizzejjed. Imbghad fi zmien il pandemija qomt u ftaht. Irrakkuntajt ruhi.  Bdejt nahseb fi vjaggi mimlija riskju. Bilkemm kapaci naqra ktieb bil-herqa. Ridt inkun karattru fin-novella li qed tikteb lila nfisha. Kollox beda jidher sabih waqt il-mixjiet. Skoprejt dettalji fil-bini ta' madwari li qatt ma rajt qabel. Roqghat ta' hdura f' nofs il-gungla tal-konkrit.  Bkejt u fraht... hafna. Xrobt, pejjipt, qsamt u ktibt. Rigali. Il-holm ergajt bdejt niftakru u nhossu. U sibt muza naqa msahhra.   Imbghad il-muza telqet f hin bla waqt. Forsi ghal ftit, forsi ghal hafna u ghax hekk ghandu jkun. Vojt. Twist fin-novella assurda li bdiet tinkiteb. Kapitlu li qisu ma bediex jew forsi footnote f'kapitlu ta' hajja ohra. Imma l-hajja ma tistennix. Inrid nibqa nghix u nhoss. Nixtieq inkompli l-vjagg fuq il- ferrovija. Nixtieq il-paci ta qabel u l-ftuh ghas-sbuhija ta issa. Nixtieq leggerezza deep. Nixtieq nhobb minghajr ma nghafas. Nixtieq ix-xemx u l-qamar. Forsi wisq. Nixtieq iz-zejjed. Nixtieq kollox.

P.S. Calm down... you need a good laugh and some self irony.

Schrödinger's cat turns Behemoth

Sometimes I really feel that life is like the schrödinger's cat, especially in those moments where life itself is pregnant with change and I feel that whiff that anything is possible. I often tell myself that all I have to do is to focus on my happiness and when the box is opened the cat will still be there. But the thought that the cat will die drives me nuts with anxiety, and I end up obsessively checking the box, only to realise that my state of mind will inevitably lead to the most undesired outcomes. Than I am reminded that whatever happens to the cat has little to do with my mind but with very material events which are random and unpredictable yet interconnected. So yes in a way my state of mind influences the course of events just as so many other things. So deep inside I know it is better let go of the cat and the experiment and just live. I don’t have to check the box to know the cat is alive. There is even a strong possibility that I won’t even capture the moment and the cat would have simply left the box on its own, perhaps having evolved in to a highly evolved super intelligent cat bent on turning the whole town in to catland, a cat which pranks the powerful and the corrupt. I would have unleashed a cat like Behemoth. And perhaps I won’t even be able to figure out whether its the same cat or not. For even if it survives, it won’t be the same cat after such an experiment. Cats have a habit of coming along the way, by some sheer random coincidence when least expected. They can’t stay long enough. Still betting on the law of probablity. One thing I bet on; receiving a hand written letter written in cat language which I have to spend the rest of my life deciphering. Or even better a knock on the door from Behemoth with an invitation to join a merry team of pranksters in a voyage from one station to the next along the Trans Siberian railway. P.S. I checked the box and the cat died.

Trains, roots and witches

One risk of this blog is that it occupies a dangerous space between the personal, the political and the public spheres. It is obviously spurred by everyday happenings, political anger and personal anxieties. It gives James the chance to stray away from the analytical impersonal style of a newspaper article. It also gives him the chance to write about his introspective thoughts, which are lurking beneath the surface. In many ways the past weeks of semi isolation have been an ideal context for a journey dominated by three images; roots, trains and witches. Roots because these represent what anchors us to reality and connect the future to the past, creeping incrementally and seeking new sources of nourishment without breaking the chain.  Trains because these represent the opportunity of a journey towards the next stations, a chance of a mapped out flight which may lack an ultimate destination.  Witches cause they represent magical realism, the small extraordinary happenings in very ordinary lives, the ephemeral joy of threading dangerously and the thought that it is better to be awake and exposed to risk than asleep and numb.  Yet these all live in contradiction with each other  in a world where as Heraclitus warned us you cannot step in the same river twice.  This may be why I changed my mind on stopping this blog upon the realization that the restoration of normality will not mean the end of this journey.