That first drag

There is something about the drag from a factory made cigarette. It is like sucking life from something which gives you death. But that first drag with the morning espresso gives you a shot of life albeit a contaminated one. Still it is only that first one which gives you that sensation, the rest may have their own value when matched to the moment, some insight, a view, pleasure or even an apathetic moment need to be accompanied with a drag... sort of it always accenuates feelings be they of awe or pain...still on those rare occasions when i surpass the 10 cigs limit, they start to taste just as they really are: toxic and unpleasant especially with too much booze. Probably at that stage you start smelling like an ash tray. And worse after years of smoking you could end up smelling like one of those old bars which have absorbed decades of tobacco smoke. Still they form part of the chain which makes that singular sensation of each morning's drag possible. It is that drag which makes it so difficult to stop the habit which gets in to a routine. Surely there are other ingredients which add to the allure. The smoke itself envelopes you in a kind of intimacy and a smoke filled room is always pregnant with great ideas and hopes. It is hard to imagine a revolution being planned in a smoke free room. Yet you don't need a cig for that...vaping was a good substitute in that sense except for that damn first drag and the hard texture of the thing. Guess it is always a good time to quit. But what can substitute the feeling of that first drag? Perhaps it is just one thing one has to simply give up.

dimech u l-medjokrita

Biex tifhem u tispjega kultant tispicca tirrazzjonalizza aspetti tal-hajja socjali u politika li haqqhom biss tnejjik u satira. Speci li ghad hawn min iqum filghodu u l-ewwel haga li jaghmel hi li jidhol fuq facebook biex jghid prosit lil xi Ministru f'pajjiz li l-ebda Ministru ma jhossux hazin b'dan, hi sinjal ta medjokrita li probabli ghanda gheruq socjali u storici imma tibqa li hi...pajjiz li qatt ma produca rivoluzzjonijiet. Pajjiz li qatt m ghada mil-passatur tal-vjolenza tal-istorja. Pajjiz li anki s-sekularizmu gie fih f pakkett medjokri u grottesk. Biex ma nsemmux partitarji li baqu jiddefendu l-indifensibli li l-anqas il-partit taghhom m ghadu komdu jiddefendi. U l-iktar li ninharaq hi meta attitudni li m'hi xejn injoranza tigi kwazi glorifikata bhala xi espressjoni tal-klassi tal-haddiema u min jitnejjek bija jigi labelled elitist. Manwel Dimech nahseb kien jirremetti u Gwann Mamo kien jikteb novella iktar brutali minn ulied in nanna venut. Kieku ghex Dimech illum hafna kienu jikkundanawh bhala elitist ghax ma tanx kellu xi apprezzament kbir tal-kultura popolari anzi... Ir-realta hi li Dimech u Mamo iktar minnu kienu unforgiving quddiem l-injoranza tal-masses...bi kwalifika importanti; dik li riedu l-emancipazzjoni...imma anki hawn wiehed ma jistghax ma jinnotax il-mod grottesk kif tigi l-bidla f'Malta. Forsi hemm raguni storika...dik li ma kellnix 1789, 1848 u 1968...assenza shiha tal-borgezija rivoluzzjonarja, rwol li kellhom jidhlu ghalih intelletwali organici bhal dimech li hareg mil-habs u wara politici imperfetti imma egemonici bhal mintoff...imma fl-ahhar mil-ahhar l-hsieb qatt ma kien rispettat. Wara dimech hadd ma ta wisq kaz l-emancipazzjoni mentali tal-haddiema u issa naqra too late ghax l-unika aspirazzjoni ta klassi li baqa hi dik li nsiru sinjuri zghar (ovvjament sinjuri fil-but mhux fil-mohh). Imma issa waqet il-maskra u l-haddiem darrewh ifahhar lil mafjuz, lil korrott u lis-sinjur (dejjem jekk fuq in-naha t-taghna) Forsi mhux Malta biss. Speci l-lemin populista/faxxista kullumkien jiccelebra il-poplu (bhala rapprezentazzjoni tal-injoranza) waqt li jattakaw l-elites (li jinkludu wkoll l-NGOs, il-gurnalisti imma mhux dawk li stinkaw fil-hajja biex jifthu xi kumpanija offshore) imma Malta ghandna inqas immunita ghal dan it-tip ta hsieb...Dimech kien izolat meta gie eziljat, minghajr hadd ma rrezista jew lissen kelma... Fl-istess hin minkejja il-bizarriji kollha ghalinqas illum hemm min jirrezisti u f' xi aspetti ikolli nghid qed nghixu ahjar (bizejjed insemmu l-fatt li sa ftit zmien ilu lanqas divorzu ma kellna)...Pero hemm xi haga hazina hafna f'pajjiz fejn ir-riformi liberali isehhu fi sfont mhux biss neoliberali (argument iehor imma relatat) imma fi sfont illiberali, ta servilizmu u laqghizmu. Ghalhekk ikolli nghid li l-iktar haga li ghanda bzonn Malta hi satira vjolenti u irriverenti...(sfortunatament jien se nibqa nirrazzjonalizza u nanalizza ghax ghalhekk ninqala). Kelli nigi hawn biex nizvoga ghalkemm kelli f' mohhi nikteb xi haga differenti fuq ir-ritwali u kif dawn jikbru madwarek u ssib rifugju u serhan fihom... Forsi ghal darba ohra.